Sunday, 22 November 2009

The November Wave

THERE is something strange for me about this time in November. I alluded to this in my last post. Its about dealing with the echoes of what has passed before and is personally very challenging.

I had something of a moment of epiphany yesterday and was hit by a wave of emotions and memories. Its all part of what I have been trying to feed into The Light Gate for some time. These are difficult moments for me. Self-doubt, fear of abandonment, emotional fragility they all come crashing in to sweep me out to sea. I can barely speak when this comes over me; it is a debilitating experience. I struggle to listen to music, when it comes on. Its a sense of overload. Memory almost full.

I read through the literary prologue that I had written some time ago for The Light Gate and concluded that it simply doesn't work. I wrote it before I put myself in the boots of Edward Sun and must rewrite. It must come from the first person. I am nervous about what I will write. I need a collaborator, an ally. If only I could resurrect my old pal, John Bousfield. He was one of the most spiritually advanced souls I have ever met.

"BEACON #001 Calling Johnny B...come in please..."

The truth is at times like these I am a very demanding soul. I expect too much from myself and others. The walls of my ego are paper thin and crumple under the slightest pressure. I just want to get back to basics, go out and sing someone else's old songs old R&B and soul numbers, not have to play guitar. I'm talking with someone about this at the moment. It will run in tandem with everything else that I do. I am useless unless I am occupied.

So, short of changing my name and running off to somewhere nobody knows me, it seems that I will have to fight my way out from where I am. I've done it before, and I'll do it again. Tie me to the mast, and let the storm come. There's a coda in a song I wrote, that I have sung many times. It fits, doesn't it?! It isn't about the kind of money or currency, you might think of. There is no more valuable currency than unconditional love.

"Well, it wasn't like I didn't try enough,
When I tried to kick all that bad stuff.
But there is only one thing you can do for me,
Please Lord, give me the key,
Or I will get up from this floor,
I will stick my boot right through your door.
Its like staring down the barrel of a gun,
every time I see the sunrise come.

Did you see where my money went?
Did you see where my money went?"

"Taken at the 100 Club, May 2008. These are the moments worth going through the waves and storms for".

"My ex-PA, Jillybean, and Kenny The Ken back in July, two of my dearest friends. If the tectonic plates could suddenly shift to bring Cork back to Crouch End, then all would be well. A couple of rocks! "

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